Queensland
 
I'd seen the ads on TV shows, I'd seen it writ as text
How one day Queensland's beautiful, and perfect on the next.
The ads all show a tropic beach, with palm trees on the edge
And schools of multicoloured fish around a coral ledge
 
And folks reclining, drink in hand; a smile on every face.
Beside a pool, near golden sand. A lovely looking place.
This is the place for me I thought.  It's where I'd like to be
Sitting, sipping Bundy Rum, beneath a shady tree
 
So off I went, four thousand K, across our country wide.
To find this paradise on earth, on our Nation's sunrise side.
East along the Barclay Road, in my motor home I drove
The road was wide and had no bumps.  The evening sky turned mauve
 
And then I crossed the border.  In Queensland now at last.
But the road was something shocking.  And the sky was overcast
Was this to be an omen?   Perhaps the ads were wrong.
But ever east I travelled, as I shook and bumped along.
 
Then finally I reached the sea, and headed up the coast
If they reckon it's a highway, they really shouldn't boast
It's narrow, rough and dangerous.  There's nowhere you can stop
Except for car parks right next door, To every 4X shop.
 
Eventually I saw a sign, it pointed to the beach.
Van Park bays at fifteen bucks!  The price was in my reach.
It was a picture postcard place,  Perhaps the ads were right.
With palm trees bending in the breeze, a lovely peaceful sight.
 
I was all set to have a swim, the ocean looked just fine
Till I saw at the waters edge, a great big Danger sign.
Do not swim in the ocean, except where there's a net
There's jellyfishes here that kill; if ever you forget.
 
I looked around to find the net; there was no net to see
So all that I could do just there, was sit beneath a tree
So there I sat, an hour or two beneath the shady palms
I'd put some sun screen on my face, my body and my arms.
 
For I was an Australian.  I knew of Slip Slop Slap.
But in this shady place I wore, just bathers and a cap
Then several hours later, come time to go to bed
My legs got very itchy, my skin was sore and red
 
I couldn't sleep at all that night, I scratched, I felt all hot.
So next day to the Doc' who said, "It's sand fly bites you've got.
It seems that you're allergic, and it really would be best
To stay inside, no beach for you.  That is what I'd suggest.
 
But meanwhile take this medicine, and rub this lotion on.
You'll find, that in a week or two, the itches will have gone.
 And by the way, 'cos you are not, a local, I believe.
I don't bulk bill, fee's eighty bucks.  Just pay before you leave."
 
Well, as swimming was a fizzog, I thought I'd have a go
At fishing from the riverbank, upstream, ten miles or so.
But when I stopped to take a look, to find a likely place
Another bloody sign was there.  It stared me in the face
 
Atchung! it said, take heed, beware, there's crocodiles here.
Saltwater ones, four metres long, about this time of year.
So I went up to the forest.  'Twas a sticky humid day
And swarms of giant mozzies near carried me away.
 
There were so many skeetas there, I almost didn't see
The flying foxes overhead, all-hanging from a tree
This time around, there was no sign, to tell me what to do
To tell me I was standing where, the flying foxes poo.
 
For as I looked above me, toward the cloudless skies
A putrid sticky lump of poo, hit me between the eyes
It splattered on my spectacles, and bits got in my hair
It took 2 days to scrub it off.  That stuff was everywhere.
 
I'd had enough of coastal parts, so I drove up to the hills.
A sort of roller coaster drive, where the locals got their thrills
By passing me on double lines, as round the bends they'd shoot
They signalled as they pass me by - With a two-finger salute.
 
And as I drove along the road, I saw another sign
It said that in 5 K you'd find, an old historic mine
The sign was true, in 5 Ks time, I came upon a gate
All padlocked with another sign, that said, "You'll have to wait".
 
For today, it is a weekend.  And on weekends we close.
You could come back on Wednesday, when we're open (I suppose)
I drove around those tablelands, through villages and towns
I never did work out just why, these heights are called the downs
 
Then back down to the coastal plain, with cane fields green and lush
And all along the roadside edge, was stinkin' boggy slush.
And on the hills, bananas grew, and mangos by the roads
And in the evenings all you'd hear, was the mating call of toads.
 
I'd heard a place called Airlie Beach, had miles of golden sand
And you could take a boat trip to the islands close at hand
So I drove into the town site, then round and round the mall
But I couldn't park my motor home; each bay was far too small
 
And when I got out to the port to take a scenic cruise
A sign there told me -"Car park full". That wasn't pleasant news
So I didn't get to see the beach, or the islands on that day
Just rows of concrete mansions, on the hill above the bay
 
Now all around this area, there's signs that say 'Drive slow -
Watch out for cassowaries here, down every road you go'.
No cassowaries did I see, in bushland or in town.
I think the "watch out" signs are there to slow the tourists down.
 
Then back inland to Emerald, where I thought I'd have a go
At digging gemstones from the ground., at eighty bucks a throw.
For I had to buy a license; and a camping permit too;
And hire a shovel and some sieves; that's what I had to do.
 
Then I drove out to the gem fields, the sign said, "Gems down here"
But all I found were muddy rocks, and cans that once held beer.
Now I could go-on, with this verse, for many pages more;
But if I did, I'm sure that you'd, consider me a bore.
 
So I'll just say, the next two weeks, were like the ones just passed
Then my holiday was finished, the time had gone so fast
So I left the state of Queensland, and headed for the west.
Back home to things I know and love.  Home's usually the best.
 
I took with me the memories, of places I had been
Of things I'd done in Queensland, and all the things I'd seen.
It surely 's worth a visit but there's no way I could stay.
The tourists and the traffic, would soon drive me away.

Don't get me wrong, there's lots I liked, about that northern state
But the signs that told me what to do were things I came to hate.
So now I'm home, my trip is done,  all fifteen thousand K
But Queensland must have followed me, for I see it every day.
 
I see it up on billboards, on TV and in text
How one day Queensland's beautiful, and perfect on the next.
A tropic earthly paradise,  the place that nature kissed.
If it's true; then I was cheated.   For both those days I missed!